I Figured Out the Word Ego Before God
Dec 19 11:17 p.m.
I am recalibrating...
Fuck off God &
Fuck off education,
I am ripping the ticks off my skin--
I read James Baldwin,
I know how violence operates
& I understand how painful
Being sucked dry is,
Yes,
I thought I would fuck
The world
And swim in a shallow ocean on a beach
Where the “Blue” Four Loko is the saltwater
And the sand is lime green kief &
Stale instant hot chocolate powder—
I am obsessed with poetry,
I started reading & writing again
)I am a toddler in the most mature way possible(
Forgive me for writing with my lefthand,
I will cut it off so my right never
Forgets what happens
When a curious doe walks away from its mother.
Everyday is a fucking vacation,
I smoke in bed & log on Zoom,
I am in therapy and on track to
Earn my flimsy bachelor’s degree
All while eating a subpar bagel
From the shittiest, but most convenient deli.
I am living like Carrie Bradshaw
Except I cannot afford to even Google
Who the CEO of Prada is,
but she could not either.
I reject mediocrity,
I used to vomit when my mother
Would feed me the cheap baby food
)I was not digesting that shit(
I am too fresh to not live in luxury
I am the lesbian King Tut
Frothing at the mouth in downtown Manhattan
I raid Greenwich Village every weekend
& The grass at Washington Square
Screams at the sight of my thighs.
I waste my weed everyday
And blame the plant
For not being potent enough
)Bitch, you are fucking yourself over:
STOP SMOKING,
SAVE MONEY,
GET MORE HIGH LATER(
It is the same formula
But I fuck it up every time,
Two teaspoons of unfiltered tap water
Makes the mug creamy
But also too bitter
Where is the balance
When the bricks aren’t tied to my back?
)Can someone make sure
That’s right?(
I called myself a
Lone fuck off of a girl,
I was right,
Except I am no longer 17 and loathing
And I have a tie to Providence, Rhode Island
The same way the Spirit in my apartment
Is chained to the cheap island in my kitchen.
I reside in —— Village,
It’s not a city within the City
It’s a neighborhood.
A blood splotch next to a dead body,
It’s a puzzle piece
)Maybe two(
Not the whole solution.
I have seen the south once
Since I crawled into the City.
I have seen the south once.
I remembered boredom as I laid
On a close friend’s bedroom floor,
I remembered vanity as I did my makeup
In front of their dressing mirror
I found beauty next to the dust
And the one-of-a-kind necklaces strewn about the rug,
And the space heater burning my calves
I would not freeze ugly,
My corpse would don $12 false eyelashes
)I really internalized it when I was 10
And heard Alison DiLaurentis say the
Only way to stay the same age forever is to
Die young. To “leave a beautiful corpse.”(
And full coverage foundation,
My rotting breasts covered up by
Clearance shelf perfume
And translucent setting powder
That fell into my pocket at the drugstore.
Beauty is the ideal state of permanence,
A physical ecstasy reluctant to be removed.
)I skipped class 500 times
This semester & probably wore
Makeup oh so many times.
We are in a pandemic,
I had no fucking time.(
I am deteriorating as I turn in this essay
)Pleasegivemeana
Pleasegivemeana
Pleasegivemeana(
And what do I accomplish?
The crushing, liberating reality of being gay.
“But I thought you liked boys?”
I thought I liked boys too.
And now I am writing poetry
About them twisting my arm behind
My back--
)I remember in elementary school,
I went to a small sleepover at a
Close friend’s house. We saw the news
One morning. A woman had been raped.
I asked the two girls before me
What rape was. One said it was when
A man leaves a mark on a woman’s
Skin forever. No one had another definition.(
Do not fuck me, okay, fine, fuck me.
I keep having the same nightmare
Over and over again
And forgetting about it
The next morning.
I cannot fathom the end of
The semester and the cruelty
Of winter,
It snows for hours and then I
Remember the uninterrupted spinning
Of the world.
My heater barely functions--
I am ripped apart and baked alive
To keep my bedroom warm.